Uh...Not Already?!?

Pre-script note: it's worthwhile reading, or skipping, to the end. It's not all CG-speak.

I've only been here nearly two months. It'll be two months in about four days. And I've already had to submit stuff for transfer season. I'm having a hard time wrapping my head around that. Senior Command Screening Panel (SCSP) and Senior Education and Fellowship Panel (SEFP) submissions were due in Direct Access Friday before last and last Friday, respectively. So as much as I just want to focus on learning and doing my job here, I've been distracted a few times thinking about what's next, and what that means in the grander scheme of things.

I knew I was going to put in for SCSP. That was pretty much a given, and one of the primary reasons I wanted to come out here...to be tour complete in AY19, when there are lots of amazing command afloat opportunities open. An abundance of WMEC 210s and 270s in great locations, and me tour complete so OPM *has* to cut me orders to somewhere, instead of three years into a four-year tour at HQ, trying to convince the detailer that short-touring me was a necessary option. Coming out here seemed kinda crazy back last August when I asked for it, but is making more and more sense every day.

Which then brings me to the question of what and where. I'm really, really, really trying hard to just let it be for a while longer. And maybe those questions should actually be a post for another day. E-resumes aren't due until 1 September, so instead of fretting over which boat where for the next two months, I would much prefer putting off the question, at least for another six weeks or so.

The larger question of what this decision means in the grander scheme of things is what I want to get out of my head in this post.

It took me a while to realize I was a cutterman. Especially looking through the lens of today's officer career management practices, where so many of the specialties require people to sign up early (like by their second tour) in order to get all the qualifications they need to compete strongly for good jobs and promotion to O4 and above. I was four tours in, as OPS on (the old) HAMILTON (aka, HAM-Bone) before it really sunk in to me that my primary specialty was Operations Afloat. (Ha...and I'm still not sure what my secondary specialty is...maybe Jack of All Trades, aka Management, MGT10. Not as specific as say, Financial Management (FIN10), but it's seemed to work for me so far...)

And once I realized I was a cutterman, I started thinking about what cuttermen did as they continued advancing in their career. So I did that, and went back to sea as a LT CO, then a LCDR XO, and next, hopefully CDR CO. And then...???????????????

Yep, I kinda always thought I'd retire off the flight deck of my cutter as an O5, right after eating shrimp at my outgoing Change of Command. In my mind, cuttermen, at least the type of cutterman I want to be, retire from their ship with a sense of knowing they're walking away from the greatest job on earth. And I thought there weren't any jobs past that O5 CO pinnacle that could entice me to stick around. O6 command seemed...idk, out of reach maybe? Or not that, exactly, but to go from 15 or so chances to be an O5 CO every year, to at most four O6 CO opportunities as we move from 12 WHECs to (at the time) eight WMSLs...it just seemed like a competition that would get political, and I don't know, don't want to know, and am unwilling to learn how to play the political game.

Then one day, I had a conversation with one of my dearest mentors, and I started seeing a path past an O5 CO ride that I might be able to stomach (oh dear, bad pun. I ate a bad blueberry about an hour ago, and just hurled a coupla times to get rid of it. Does not bode well for the fresh, raw camel's milk tasting I have scheduled for this evening....which is another story for another day.). There are a couple of post-command staff tours (literally, two) that I think would be interesting. And I did put in for a handful of Senior Service Schools this year, just in case I wasn't already in the throes of wondering what I want to be when I grow up. And now that there are at least 11 WMSLs...well, the O6 command opportunities aren't as bleak as they once were.

Part of me wonders if this newfound interest in continuing past an O5 command is just my brain freaking out that it really, really likes something that it knows, and it's just me being scared of retiring from active duty and finding something else to do. Actually, make that "terrified," not "scared." As in, being terrified to leave the Service and having to entertain myself 24x7.

There are plenty of other things I want to do with my life that don't include moving around every two years, and spending half the year away from home on an old-arse steel bucket bouncing around the ocean, and the other half of the year, working my own arse off to keep said old-arse steel bucket running. Yep, plenty of things...I got lots of ideas...a whole notebook of ideas. Pages and pages turned into a good idea fairy nest, full to the brim of ways to keep myself busy and feel like I'm contributing something positive to the world. Like build on my fascination with real estate and be a property manager, or buy an old building downtown and convert it into a kitchen incubator where we host "Meet Your Maker" events showcasing the folks who use the incubator to cook up goodies, or teach leadership and management classes at the local community college while I run an Air BnB out of my upstairs studio apartment and generally just enjoy life in one spot. Or maybe all that at once because I don't know how to slow down very well after a 20+ year Coast Guard career.

As I start to freak out over what ship to ask for (because the differences between a 210 and 270 seem so monumental if I'm interested in an O6 command tour, maybe even as a PCO of an OPC????), I have to actively remind myself that I am in a totally enviable position of having nothing but amazing, abundant, awesomely good options. So I decide to get out after my O5 CO ride? I am financially secure enough to only work if I want to, doing what I chose to do. So I decide to stay in past an O5 CO ride? Good jobs in which I'm interested, and the chance to do it all over again as an O6.

Truly fantastic options, all around. No need to fret or stress or spend energy in angst over it right now. Just don't shut any doors before I'm ready for them to be shut, and spend my time and energy doing what I'm supposed to doing right now...like my current job. Easier said than done, on a quiet Saturday afternoon. But still good advice.

BT

It wasn't until I was talking to my sister this evening, and she mentioned she just couldn't power through all the CG jargon in this post that I remembered I had another point to make.

I feel like leaving the Service is a taboo topic. We're not allowed to talk about it, like it's disloyal somehow to consider that there's something outside of being on active duty that might be worthwhile doing.

Especially if you're a good performer. Especially, especially if you're a good performing under-represented minority.

I understand that I have plenty to offer to my country by serving in this way. I also understand that I have plenty to offer my country to serve in another way of my choice. And guess what...once the terms of my contract have been served, it is my choice to enter into another term of service. Or not.

In many ways, it's like a relationship. I'd rather be with my partner and have my partner be with me because we both chose it, because we both *want* it. Not because we feel like we *have* to be together for some reason or we wouldn't survive. *Having* to be with someone means there's no choice, just need. *Wanting* to be with someone means you both have choices, and are making the conscious decision to continue being with each other. "Having to" comes from a place of desperation and fear. "Wanting to" comes from a place of desire and confidence.

For now, I want to be in the Coast Guard, doing what I'm doing. That may not always be the case. And when it's no longer the case, we're both better off if I leave, regardless of whether or not I still have something to contribute. I want to go out on the highest note possible. I want to go out with passion still in my soul. I want to go out happy with the choices I've made. There may be some sadness because good possibilities still exist. What won't be there is bitterness because I've stayed too long.

People stay in for different reasons. People get out for different reasons. We need to be comfortable talking about all of the possibilities, not just the ones that fit comfortably in our own world view.

One Month In

The first month was really fun. I wrote a letter home to family and friends every day for 31 days, from 15 May to 14 June. Thanks to everyone who was generous enough to share their address with me...made it much easier to complete the challenge. If you want in on the fun, send me your address, and I'll keep it going :)

There were a few times when it was kinda like cooking dinner: I don't mind cooking as long as I don't have to figure out *what* to cook. I didn't mind writing the letters; that part was super easy. The very hard part was coming up with someone to write to. I went through most of my family, which is not very large. I asked my peer group if anyone wanted to exchange letters, and had a couple of wonderful women to write to. I even trolled Facebook to remind myself of good friends that, honestly, I couldn't believe I didn't think of on my own.

And the other hard part was my handwriting. I sorta felt like I was back in 3rd grade, when my very worst grade ever was a C in handwriting. Let's just say it hasn't gotten any better in the intervening 36 years. I really did try to be neat too. My hand just can't keep up with my brain, no matter how hard it tries. So, thanks also to everyone for bearing with and through my chicken scratch.

Just when I was starting to lose a little bit of enthusiasm for the challenge, I started getting return letters in the mail, or FB messages that people had gotten their notes, and enjoyed them. Never mind that I had talked or corresponded with them in the interim...somehow I didn't run out of things to write in the letters. Little details about living in Bahrain, my flat, my job. Plenty of stuff to natter on about.

So, one challenge done. Time for the next one. Warning: foul language alert...

Oof. No cussing for 30 days, from 15 June to 14 July. Good thing this one isn't in a 31-day month. And I need rules this time. Real rules. Written rules. Rules I can't sea-lawyer my way out of.

Here goes:
-- Using cuss words while I'm writing the rules doesn't count against me, so that I can have a very clearly defined list of what is unacceptable.
-- Unacceptable words are: f*ck (which will be the hardest one ever for me to not use, so it comes first), sh*t, damn, piss, bitch (eek, another tough one), ass, the c-word, christ, d*ck, c*ck.
-- I may add to this list, but not take any off of it during the course of the month.
-- Derivatives of the above words are also unacceptable: pisser, mutherf*cker, sunovabitch, asshat, asshole, jackass, asswipe (what is it about ass that it lends itself to so many combinations?), g*ddamn, d*ckwad, c*cksucker, and so on. (Yes, I have used each of these in the past, so this is a fairly onerous requirement)
-- Other, less offensive or like-sounding combinations that don't actually use the unacceptable words are allowed: sunovabiscuit, jackhole, patootie, mutherclucker, sugar, shinola...feel free to add more suggestions to build my repertoire in the comments.
-- I must keep a running total of how many times I slip and do use the unacceptable words over the course of the next 30 days, starting once this post is finished until 2359 on Friday, 14 July (I will probably go to bed early that night...either that, or I'll stay up and let loose a five minute string of foul-mouthed expletives that have built up over the previous 30 days...hahahaha).
-- Each time I use an unacceptable word, I will accrue charges on a Fibonacci scale, starting at $1 in full dollar-increments. At the end of the month, I will donate these accrued charges to a worthwhile, but frivolous-to-me charity. Any suggestions?

And away we go...Challenge starts...NOW, 0928, 15 June 2018.