Great Leaps

I'm doing my very best hermit impression this weekend. It has been a super busy last two weeks, and I feel the need for some quiet reflection to process the constant movement I've been doing. I wrote a long email to my coach just as the busy-ness was kicking off (when I didn't fully realize the intensity of the busy-ness), because I had what felt like a complete epiphany. Looking back, I haven't been able to spend as much time as I wanted in the mental space I describe below. I guess that's what August's challenge will be for. I'm excited about it.

Here's the email:

"I took a walk to run a quick errand [as we were waiting for more information on the crisis of the day...on Friday, which is not an official workday, but I usually go in for a few hours to catch up and prioritize for the next week. I was at work when the crisis hit...thankfully. Also, crisis is over, just dealing with the fallout from it now]. 

On that walk, I realized (big epiphany here [I really feel like that is an understatement, and I have a hard time describing how big a shock this realization was to me]) that I have crazy high expectations for myself. 

I don't know what finally made that make sense to me. I think it may be this latest challenge. It's the Whole Life Challenge (www.wholelifechallenge.com) this month, where there are seven ways to keep points each day: nutrition, fitness, mobility (stretching), sleep, hydration, a weekly "wellness" challenge (this week's was no electronics during meals to better be in the moment with what you're eating) and a daily reflection. We're about half way through it, and yesterday, in particular, I was feeling very dragged down by it. I lost my wellness points because I ate lunch at my computer because I was trying to get stuff done (at least it was a healthy lunch). I lost all my nutrition and wellness points the day before because I ate an entire bag of caramel popcorn mindlessly as I was working (at my computer). I didn't get a workout in yesterday, and by the time I got home, I didn't want to stretch either. 

And the realization of what I was doing to myself came crashing down on me as I walked around base...the standard to which I hold myself is very, very high. I expect myself to do a thousand things, and do them all well. I was thinking about not getting a workout in, and chastising myself for not having the energy to do it once I got home (after an eight-hour day on my sixth day (most of which were 10-hr days) at work in a row). I realized my expectations were very high, and immediately started trying to figure out how to get my workout in before my workday starts so that I have the energy to do it. And it took me a minute to realize that was just rearranging obligations, not actually getting at the root of the expectation.

Which, as the evening wore on, and as I've thought more about it today, is what I feel like I really need to do. I was going to track all my cash spending next month, but instead, I've decided on a "no expectations" challenge for next month. I need a freaking break from them! 

Which then led me to consider what do I mean by "no expectations." And what I came up with is, every time I find myself saying, "I should do...," "I need to...," or "I have to...," I will gently ask where that comes from. Is it something I actually *want* to do?...because those don't feel like expectations...they feel like me being authentically me, doing things I value. Or is it something I feel like I should be doing?...because someone else expects it, or I read somewhere I should, or it's something I've picked up along the way and haven't actually thought about why I'm doing it.

And the things I *want* to do...those might be long term wants supported by daily choices. I want to be healthy...which means that I really want to snack on blueberries instead of caramel popcorn [or not eat a box of Girl Scout Samoas for dinner...which I did last night]. I want to set clear expectations for people who work for me to help them succeed...which means I do want to send that last clarifying email before my day ends so it's waiting for them when they get in. So, "wanting" to do something isn't just, I want to sit on my couch and read my book today or I want that piece of pie (but it might be). It's looking at why I'm doing the things I'm doing, and asking myself if that's really how I want to spend my time, energy, whatever.

This idea of no expectations feels like a reprieve. An opportunity to test what I really want. And how that gets put into action every day. I can eat whatever I want, whenever I want, workout when I want or not, drink whatever/whenever I want. No stringent personal rules to guide how I chose to get through my day...which is kinda an amazing concept to me. Somehow, I think there may be another aspect to this one too...maybe something about finding my own truths...the things I feel in my bones are true about me that I can stop questioning so doggedly. Which reminds me of what you've been trying to get across to me, that there are certain lines I won't let myself cross."

So that was the end of the email to my coach. Interestingly, the message about "my truths" was reinforced from another email this morning from my financial adviser. I sold my house in Hawaii recently and asked her about the possibility of putting some of the money into a separate account that I could designate for travel.

Her response was, "...first, you are clearly a saver and investor (whether real estate or stocks) and I would be very surprised if you were at risk of ‘spending away’ your travel funds..." and "...I truly believe you will weigh how and when you spend your money every time you would need to get out your checkbook, whether for a plane trip, future primary home, investment property or stock purchase. There are people who are either not disciplined enough not to spend away money they intend to use for something specific, or they cannot grasp the concept of ‘fungibility’ and must have it set for a specific purpose. I do not think that applies to you..."

How do other people see my truths while I remain so completely blind to them? 

Another related story, which makes me smile every time I think of it. Two days into last week, during which I felt like a circus ring master with the music on 98 rpms, juggling two groups of visitors to PATFOR involving most of the entire crew, including the cutters, I didn't sleep a damn. There I was, staring up into the ceiling at 10 pm, my mind racing a thousand miles an hour about everything that was going on. OPM was one of our visitors, so of course I was thinking about my e-resume, and how the hell I was supposed to rank order the cutters that are open for transfer next summer. 

Because I couldn't sleep, I posted the following on Facebook,"If you had to pick one of the following words to best describe me, which would it be? Options in alphabetical order: dauntless, steadfast, venturous, vigilant, vigorous. For those that recognize the words, don't cheat, or spoil the fun."

Of course, all my Coastie friends got it. Despite my admonition, some still cheated and picked the words based on their own preferences for where the so-named cutters are homeported. Others added their own words, mostly forms of "diligence." 

If I was hoping for a clear answer to help me craft my e-resume, I certainly didn't get it. Top three candidates were dauntless, steadfast, and venturous..which if I had to pick words that people felt best describe me, I'll happily take any one of those three :) 

As for what I'm putting on my e-resume...guh! I wish I knew!