The Next Chapter

written on 27 August 2020 

I decided last October (2019) that it was time for me to do something different. Looking back now, 10 months later, I realize I probably wasn't quite in the right head space after only a bare three months onboard a new ship with an entirely new leadership team trying simultaneously to rip off the bandaid of a new command vision and not completely disenfranchise the crew along the way. Every day was a slog of self-inflicted doubt and second guessing, uncertainty about how we were going to get through the next evolution safely, and oh yeah, day after endless day of shitty weather off the central Atlantic coast. 

Somewhere along that treacherous path, I realized there were quite a few mistakes in my past that I haven't yet forgiven myself for, and that I likely wouldn't be able to give important areas of my life that needed love and care the attention they deserved until I was no longer tied to active duty. I convinced myself I wasn't running away from things, but running towards a new vision for my life (I am still convinced that's true, 10 months down the road, even if I had many follow-on moments of doubt). 

We eventually returned home safely from that first patrol, all a little wiser about each other. Took me another three weeks to get on my boss' calendar to be able to tell him my intentions in person before my retirement request showed up in his email inbox. Seemed only fair. 

So now, I'm going to write about the road to retirement, and plan to publish it later. I want to honestly share my thoughts and feelings, without having to worry about what my crew thinks upon reading it. I don't need to share my doubts and worries in a forum that they need to wonder if my head is still enough in the game to do my job, which is to make sure they keep coming home safely, full of sea stories and successful operations. 

I also want a place to daydream about all the ideas I have for post-retirement ways to keep myself busy. I think the count so far is at least four viable concepts.