Do You Journal?

Thanks to Jason Ryan for the prompt.

Yes, I journal. Sometimes. When the mood strikes. I've tried in the past to have some discipline with it; 30 day writing challenges or journaling in connection to my meditation practice. And as I was prepping for retirement, one of the goals I had for myself was to write more. I'd have the time since I wasn't rushing off to work each morning, and I'd have the brain space since I wasn't continually bashing my head against the brick wall of boat problems.

And yet, it hasn't seemed to work out that way. There's always the endless rabbit-hole of retro refrigerators and laundry-to-lawn grey water recapture systems and New Hanover county zoning rules to fall into for hours and wasteful hours. And right now, I have hours and hours more to track that time suck because I'm not at Pond Place, wearing myself out on brush clearing and chipping.

So it's been a few months now that I've sat down with the intention to write more than a couple of sentences or a business-related email. I'm having to force myself into it a little, knowing that once I get started, the words will eventually flow and the log-jam hopefully broken. It's certainly not a hardship for me to write...just requires that discipline that I've let go without the immediacy of work or Pond Place's needs to drive me.

I have a beautiful setting in which to write this morning, on the beach of Playa Carmen in Santa Teresa, Costa Rica. The sun is shining even though it's the rainy season. The waves are about six feet, clean and as close to glassy as it can get with a light side-shore swirly breeze. Greg is out in the water, with about 30 other guys spread over a quarter-mile stretch of surf. I just saw my first dog fight of the trip. A local red mutt got agro with a gringo's chocolate lab, and then a couple other pups piled on the fun. Took about four guys to break it up, all of them dancing around clearly with the experience of having been bit in the past trying to get dogs off each other. I'm not sure how long my comfy spot of dappled shade will last as the sun tracks overhead. There's plenty of other shady spots for me to move to if I need. I wish I had a cup of (decaf) coffee, but that would take me interacting with people to get and my ego isn't up to the disappointment of being looked at like I have three heads when I ask for decaf in a country that is so proud of its coffee production.

When I read Jason's prompt suggestion, I snorted lightly in amusement that there was ever even a question about whether I journaled or not. In typical fashion for me, it took a moment of reflection to see the goodness and potential depth of the query.

I started journaling in the summer of 1988. I was 14 years old, about to turn 15, at flag camp for the marching band. There were boys on the same campus. I gushed over them. I still have those journals. They are not fit for *anyone's* consumption.

Actually, I started writing years before that. I have a vague memory of being eight and thinking I should write a book. How hard could it be? I was reading "Cheaper by the Dozen" by ?????, who was one of 12 kids whose dad was an efficiency expert. Clearly I didn't have as rich a subject matter as they did. I don't think I kept those earliest attempts at storytelling. Thankfully.

From even those earliest efforts of writing, I saw the benefit of getting thoughts out of my head. Using the act of putting words into form to help clarify and quiet the constant chatter of my brain. I kept at it, always sporadically. I went years a time or two without writing. I shouldn't be surprised that those years without writing were some of my hardest and most personally destructive. Alcohol is surprisingly effective at keeping deep thought at bay -- until it isn't any more.

In 2008, I got a little more formal with my writing. My sister had been blogging about professional stuff mixed with a personal touch for a couple of years. I get many of my very bestest ideas from her, so I copy-catted her like any good annoying little sister does. I was in Bahrain, a first-time Commanding Officer in a bit of a pressure cooker, and writing became an outlet for me. That was before the Coast Guard had a policy against posting anonymously on social media, so I genericized my descriptions so I didn't give away my role or mission specifics.

I didn't much like my leadership at the time, and now realize (especially! after having *been* Deputy) that calling the Deputy the "Big Number Two" for all the world to read, while funny (still makes me giggle) was mean-spirited and disrespectful, and not at all the example I want to set for people who are looking to me for leadership guidance. Now I would shift the discussion to how much more useful, beneficial and effective it is to have a cutterman in that position, for both the short- and long-term benefit of the community.

When I got back to the States, there wasn't any way I could see to keep blogging anonymously. That's how justagirlindaworld.blogspot.com came to be on at least two Commandants' and numerous flag officers' radars. I probably should have told my boss at the time that I was writing it, and not let them find out from CCG's EA...whoops. Lesson learned.

I know that blogging is not the same as journaling. I had to be very careful of my audience, and took great effort to spin things positively. And in many ways, that helped too...my journaling can turn into pure whiny bitching vent sessions, which, though cathartic, are not effective at helping me work out my way ahead. Blogging forces me to think about issues from many perspectives and clearly defining desired actions well-rooted in positivity. The wonderful feedback I got from readers was a huge boost in the virtuous cycle that kept me writing that way.

One other benefit of blogging, and I'm finding about journaling online -- no one (including me) has to suffer through my handwriting. I still have my third-grader's penmanship, increasingly marred by age, hurried thoughts and impatience. My family members are kind about very rarely chiding me for it. and one of the first things my JOs learned about working for me was to ask early for a translation if they needed interpretation of my chicken scratch, so my short-comings didn't slow them down needlessly. I have pages and pages of handwritten journal entries that are virtually unreadable because my brain was working faster than my fingers, or I was too tired to try.

I remember my sister being understandably incredulous when I sent her a picture of a penmanship award I won, circa 2010. It was my first time being stationed in DC, and I was volunteering for WAMU's on-air fund drive, answering phones to take pledges. The organizers warned us to be careful with our handwriting so the data entry folks got the right information for the pledges, and they incentivized it with hourly penmanship honors. I was nervous, so I was careful and used my best all caps style, marginally improved by years of hand writing Bridge Logs as a JO. I still thought it was pretty awful, so no one was more surprised than me when the volunteer coordinator handed me the certificate for the second hour of my shift! So I know I *can* write prettily -- I just hardly ever have the patience for it.

That recognition was almost as important to me as when Lynn, my first boss, decided I was capable of writing directional signage and pricing information for Larriland Farm. Very few people were trusted with that back in the day :)

Another bad habit I have with journaling is picking up any random piece of paper easy to hand or being seduced by a brand new fresh journal when I already have one going. I downloaded a journaling app yesterday. Figure I can write everything here, and copy/paste into the blog if I want. Not sure what to do with that so pretty pink, never-been-touched journal made from stone paper I bought this past New Year's Day. I can't save it for "special thoughts," since one of the points of journaling for me is to just get it all out without qualitative judgements. Maybe I'll gift it on.

I feel better now. Lighter in my head. Reassured that the clarity is still there, and with some time, effort and attention, I can find that space, even temporarily, through this medium. Many thanks, Jason, for the simple and effective prompt.

More to come on the rest of the amazing prompts...just not today!