Loyalty

My faithful reader, Azulao asked me to ponder loyalty in a comment a few weeks ago. So here I ponder...

I have worked for bosses before that I felt disloyal to for whatever reason. Different leadership styles, different personalities, perspectives, whatever, have made it difficult to work for them. So this is not my first time toeing a line which I would rather draw another way. And certainly, these days, I'm still living it on a daily basis. There is an issue being debated right now that goes to the very core of one of my hard-learned, deeply-rooted institutional beliefs. Do we pay for it or not? Every atom of every molecule of every cell of every muscle and organ and bone in my body screams, yes, we ABSOLUTELY *MUST* pay for it. But the Boss has a different priority. 

Gulp. 

"Aye, aye, sir."

And back I go to the drawing board for a stronger argument to use next time.

I think a lot of loyalty issues, both in my world and in academia, come down to altitude (tee hee...sorry). Or put another way by Chris McGoff in The Primes, "Big Hat-Little Hat." The Big Hat is worn by the Boss, looking at things from a 3,000 foot level (warning: I suck at aviation metaphors, so my apologies if I get the numbers wrong...you should get the point anyway). The Little Hat is worn by the individual projects/programs/departments, looking at things from, if not the flight deck, than at least a low hover (see, better if we include a shipboard reference). Detail versus big picture; scope versus intricacy. Neither one is wrong or right, just different. And both have their necessary place.

Amusingly, I have an anecdote on nearly this very issue from today. I was in a meeting (shocker), trying to lead a couple of programs to the trough of shared responsibility. I think I even got them to drink...after pushing their heads into the water and forcing their lips open, figuratively speaking (seriously though, did we have to go Slide.By.Slide to make a decision?). But as the thirst for resolution to a common problem was slaked, one of the program reps decided to make a snarky remark about being forced to share the trough with yet a third program. Now I always know at least a second or two beforehand, when I'm gonna to say something I'm likely to, if not regret, at least wonder what the hell made me say it out loud. I got that feeling, and then said, "Sir, one team, one fight...we're all on the same side here." There was a moment of awkward silence from the other O4s and O5s in the room, and then the conversation moved on. But *really,* we (collectively, me included) spend too much time hidebound in our own opinions and tiny little worlds. I think there's another entire post on this little concept of being stuck in our comfort zone...but I'll leave it for another time.

But referring back to The Primes, I'll quote Chris's recommendation (pg 145-146 in my 2011 version published by Victory Publishers, NYC, NY):

"1. It's a right-versus-right dilemma, as opposed to right-versus-wrong.
2. The implicit dichotomy of this PRIME can't be eliminated, only managed.
3. People need to be clear about which hat they're wearing when they speak.
4. It's fair to advocate for your LITTLE HAT but not to the detriment of the whole."

I think that there is a major difference between the military, especially the Coast Guard and the academic world. That is, the CG has a well-defined, concrete goal...whichever mission an individual joined to be a part of, search and rescue, law enforcement, national security, environmental protection...all we Coasties have a common goal. One Team, One Fight. 

I'm not sure the same can really be said of academia. What really is the goal of Universities? Is it teaching the students? The research being done? The prestige/reputation of the institution? Pleasing alumni with a popular sports program? Without that baseline commonality, people's interest diverge quickly and divisively into little kingdoms of influence which continually battle over the same resources.

A, I have no idea if I even came close to what you were talking about. I think it comes down to the fact that you have to believe in something to be loyal to it.

A Very Good Day

I had A Very Good Day. It started with this morning's run (well, it actually started with a *looong* overdue conversation last night, but that...that story's just for the conversation's participants right now). I spent the entire drive in debating whether I should do the easy thing, and run on the treadmill, or take a chance, dare do something new and find my way outside to run along the waterfront. It looked like it would be warm enough and light enough to run outside. But I hadn't looked at a map of where to go, just had a general idea of where might offer a good trail. And oddly enough, I was a little intimidated by the idea of how the badge/building security thing worked going out the loading dock door. I decided that was a *lame* excuse for not taking advantage of light and temperate conditions. The guard looked a little annoyed at my uninformed fumblings, but I made my way out with minimal difficulties.

It was still pretty dark when I left the building, with the eastern sky barely shifting to deep purple. It occurred to me somewhere about half-way up 2nd St, that this really wasn't the best neighborhood and it probably wasn't the smartest thing I've ever done to be running in the barely-light by myself. I'll carry my knife next time. The waterfront was deserted, and the fish market quiet. I hung a left under the bridges, and took the path around to the Jefferson Memorial.

I haven't spent nearly enough time out in the history of this city, so I was gleefully delighted to find myself in the midst of three beautiful memorials on the banks of the Tidal Basin this morning. I paused for a moment to appreciate Jefferson, silhouetted against the sky streaked with the early pink and gold of dawn. Then I made my way, backwards through the FDR Memorial, so I saw Eleanor first in the "Fourth Term" section, then FDR in his wheelchair, and the fountain. I loved the weathered patina of this memorial. A little further on was the Martin Luther King, Jr Memorial, which I slowed to walk through because there were signs that said no running. And I wouldn't have wanted to run anyway...I would have missed the inspiring quotes along the marble sides that built to the mountain of despair, from which the stone of hope had separated.

As cheesy as it sounds, I walked out of that space refreshed and, (ugh, really?) rejuvenated.

The whole run was a good reminder that sometimes (lotsa times, I think -- many more than we usually realize), it's better just to dare.

The day in the office passed with a smile on my face. I even think I did a decent job on an analysis of a proposed initiative (though not without significant input from discussions with my sponsor and office-mate (two separate people) and the XO). And there was cake...from a birthday celebration for a couple of the ladies across the hall.

The only minor frustration with the day was leaving...lots of other folks in the office had huge worklists for a meeting planned for tomorrow afternoon. And as much as I wanted to and offered to help, there was really no way for me to usefully contribute. I finally decided the best way I could add to the effort was to get out of everybody's hair and go home...That made more sense when I said it to myself. Now it just sounds like a pathetic excuse to leave.

But, all in all, A Very Good Day.

More Observations

Totally off-topic, but *way* more important than my silly ramblings: My thoughts are with the friends and family of CG-6535's crew, lost early last week in a crash in Mobile Bay, AL. I didn't know any of the four men, but I know people who know them...and any loss in a service as small as ours is deeply felt.

Shiloh Thomas over on Womeninthemilitary.blogspot.com, wrote an excellent piece on what the crash means to us...I'll let you read her words, because she did such an amazing job of summarizing pretty much exactly how I feel about it.

Rest in peace, brothers.

(PS--I've never met Shiloh, or whoever she is behind her pen-name, but I love, love, love!! her posts. Not only is she a great writer, she also has a strong sense of self and thoughtfulness that makes our junior enlisted ranks so much more powerful and effective. And I guess I'm more than a little jealous that she's operational :) I wish her the best success in her career, and just *know* she'll rock at whatever she does.)

I've been in the office for a month now. And I have a few more observations. First, my time horizon has changed. Used to be that I'd plan for the next patrol or the next inport...never more than three months down the line. And on the last couple of ships, never more than a month or two away (well, except for that whole drydock nonsense). Now, I'm staring at Two.And.A.Half.YEARS of the same schedule: alarm goes off at 0500, out the door by 0530, in the gym by 0600, cleaned up and at the desk by 0715. Leaving varies by an hour or two...anywhere from 1730 to 1930 pm so far. Get home, get dinner, fix breakfast and lunch up for the next day, clean the litter box, go to bed. Get up and do it all again the next day.

I tried meeting friends out once or twice during the week...just doesn't work. If I'm not asleep by 2100, the whole 10- to 12-hour workday turns into a complete torture session the next day. So any social life is relegated to the weekends...though thankfully I've got some friends that chat me up on facebook in the evenings so I don't have to live totally alone under my rock.

Two and a half years. The same thing. Day after day. How the *HELL* do people do this for lifetimes?

Don't get me wrong, I'm totally digging the job...just not the sameness of the schedule. Isn't there some opsec lesson to be learned here -- some need to vary your routine so the bad guys aren't able to get a bead on you. And it gives a whole new meaning to "working for the weekend."

Second, there's a whole new vocabulary. The three favorite terms I've noticed so far are:
--wirebrush: it means to dig into a statement made (usually by a program), looking for unstated assumptions, questionable data, faulty logic and lots of the time, just plain lazy analysis. This is what our office does. We wirebrush...everything. Ya know how you count the times a speaker says some catch phrase (I had a soil chemistry professor who used to always say, "in point of fact." Was distractingly annoying)? I'm preeeety sure if I counted how many times "wirebrush" was said in our offices, I'd have more hash marks on the page than I had quarters in the wardroom cuss jar on BOUTWELL.
As used in a sentence: XO to a Reviewer, "We need to wirebrush the numbers supporting that funding request, make sure the parts and people add up."

--good staff work: all that wirebrushing, applied with some sensibility, solid research and insightful recommendations will prompt the phrase, "good staff work." It's pretty much doing our job, but doing it really well.

--pink dot city: what happens in the building after 1601, and about 1400 on Fridays. We've got this cool little communicator system, which we use to IM with other people in our IT system, and each person has a little dot next to their name indicating their status: red means busy, yellow means away, green means available. Pink means logged out. Hence "pink dot city" means that the largest majority of people on any one email are logged out for the day.

Third, just a quick observation about meetings. I haven't been to a single meeting yet with less than a dozen attendants. And the most so far was a meeting I went to this morning...at least two dozen people, including about a half dozen admirals (totaling maybe eight or nine stars).

But this morning's meeting did solve a mystery for me. Late last week, I wore a short-sleeved shirt in the gym for the first time (and yes, I was pretty freaking nervous about it). I was on the treadmill when a distinguished-looking gentleman got on a stationary bike close by. Just by his appearance, I figured he was at least an O6 or GS15, but I didn't recognize him. I kept catching him looking at my arm...not rudely or anything, just kind of interested-ly. I almost asked him if he wanted to take a closer look at it after I got done running, but figured that might be rude on my part. So I just let it go. But he was at today's meeting and I found out who he is. His interest in my tattoo made a lot more sense after that.

Adjustment Mosaic

I'm still in the adjustment period of the new job. At least that's what I'm telling myself. Pretty much everyone I've talked to about being a Program Reviewer has told me that it takes up to a year before you really feel like you know what's going on.

Right.

For someone who doesn't like not knowing what's going on, having the sand shift under her feet with every step, and hates feeling stupid, that sounds like *forever!!*

There have been missteps: kinda embarrassing when the Deputy had to show me how to submit an e-chit for leave authorization (yes, I've already taken my first day of leave...today in fact. I had to be home to receive the shipment of Mom's stuff. And let me say, today has been *ree-*dic*ulously* productive. Got the furniture, cleaned the house, had the plumber come to unstop the tub from draining slowly and fix the toilet so it's not wobbly anymore, *installed the kitchen cabinet hardware!!,* baked pumpkin bread (and mmm, it's good), fixed a piece of furniture that didn't quite make it through the move whole, paid some bills, and (finally) wrote a blog post. I'm thinking one week-day off a month is going to be a necessity from now on.). And I hadn't paid close enough attention to the process for reviewing Qs (informal questions submitted by outside interests), so a response went out that wasn't exactly what was approved, and then because I still didn't understand the process, one went out about three days later than it needed to...after the Deputy sent an email saying that we needed to make sure our Programs submitted their responses in a timely manner in order to meet the deadlines, especially in this critical time of congressional review of our budget. Whoops.

I'm trying to just take it all in. I've had some modest insights so far...and they are randomly offered here as my adjustment mosaic:
--there is no right way to be a Reviewer. There are definitely traits that encourage success, like knowledge (process, political structure, technical...), critical thinking, assertiveness, good time management, written and spoken communication skills, and general nosiness. But how those qualities all mix up and are expressed is not writ in stone. So just because my cell-...I mean, office-mate is gregarious and quick-witted, doesn't mean that I will not be a good Reviewer just because I am definitely *not* either of those things. I must play to my own strengths and not try to be something I'm not.

--What I don't want to be is cynical. Yet what I likely am is naive, somewhat sanctimonious, and idealistic. But I *chose* to go to 821...sure, I had to be accepted there, but I asked for it. Kinda been working my way towards it since my CO put it on my OER back in 2007. The intervening years only made it make more sense in my head that this was where I wanted to be. Is it going to be hard work and long hours (including numerous and stupidly boring meetings)? Of course. And I don't mind, because it's also going to be an opportunity to influence the future of the organization. But I don't want to be cynical about the pathological dedication that a lot of people in the building have to working exactly and only business hours, or that the place turns into a ghost town at 4:01 pm. I don't want to be cynical that, right or wrong, people may blame me personally for the fact that their budget isn't as robust as they would like. I don't want to be cynical about the malaise that seems to infect so many issues at Headquarters so that simple processes turn into absurdly time-consuming slogs through endless backs-and-forths because no one wants to commit to a decision. And I don't want to be cynical that manuals make it through high levels of review but still contain numerous and egregious typos when they hit my desk for review. Sadly, just from my descriptions, it seems like I'm losing the battle. I must not forget why I'm there.

--Weird to have two references to said CO in the same post (didn't really care to work for him, and going through the process of him getting fired pretty much sucked...however I have to acknowledge what I learned from him) and I'm not sure how it really relates to the new job, but he always said, "you don't know what you don't know." For some reason that statement reminds me of Kathryn Schulz's TED talk about being wrong. I keep coming back to this talk, and watching again...*def* recommend it. One of her first points is that being wrong feels just like being right, until you know you're wrong...like Wiley E. Coyote when he runs of the cliff chasing the Roadrunner. He's fine until he realizes he's in mid-air. Then she says, [culturally, we think] "people who get stuff wrong are lazy, irresponsible dimwits...and the way to succeed in life is to never make any mistakes." Followed by, "This attachment to our own rightness keeps us from preventing mistakes when we absolutely need to and causes us to treat each other terribly." Maybe it's just something that I need to keep in mind throughout my discussions (especially the contentious ones) with people. I don't know everything, neither do they, but somehow we've got to come up with the best resolution. And the best way to do that might just be to realize that I'm not always right.

--"Trust but verify." I don't remember where I first heard this phrase, but it has since become a constant theme throughout my career. In this job, however, it's taking on a slightly different flavor. It's more just "Verify!" Or "Question Everything:" where did that data come from? how was it collected? what are its biases? is it complete? who collected it? why was it collected? is there a better source of information? is it an average? what was left out? Maybe that's why I've been thinking about the stuff from that last paragraph lately...I don't always know what to ask...I don't know what I don't know, and I'm having to work through asking *everything* just to figure out what I need to ask.

Huh, I guess that's why I like writing this blog...it helps me to make sense of the white noise in my head, realize connections that I didn't recognize were there.

The First Week

I think I survived the first week. At least I didn't run screaming from the building, or end up hiding under my desk twitching...so I'll call that a good week. It was kinda touch and go there on the first day for a little bit, but then I ate dinner, and realized that the sky really *wasn't* falling down all around me.

My initial impression is that it's gonna be hard to write about the new job here. Lots of pre-decisional and internal messaging discussions that really have no business being broadcast outside the confines of the palace (that's the puzzle palace, aka Headquarters, for you non CG-types). Once a decision has been made by the big guy at the top (which may be, I don't know, the President, the Secretary, or the Commandant, depending on what we're talking about), disagreement is done respectfully in private (not on a silly little blog). And until a decision has been made by the big guy at the top, all the rest is just noise...but it's that noise that I'll be dealing with every day. But, having said that, I think I'll need this forum more than ever to think through and process how I deal with the challenges. The dicey part may be to explain the underlying situation without giving away all the juicy details that would get me in trouble. Hopefully it doesn't turn into an awkward exercise in diplomacy and double-speak.

So this here's my first attempt...

And it kinda just sounds like I'm whining. But I spent some effort refining a briefing sheet (one-page summary, basically, to prep senior leadership for Congressional testimony after the President's budget is released on Monday...not too important, really. Totally just kidding, there...apparently bad humor is how I deal with the political scariness that is my new job.). Routed it through the program. Finally got their concurrence on it (after sending an "updated" version in prep for a face-to-face meeting, but then realizing when I got to the meeting that I had sent an old draft...[head slap]...*great* first impression, Girl!), then ran it back up my chain where what seemed like minor changes were made, but to which the program took exception. It was as close as I came to banging my head against the wall all week.

It was a frustrating roundabout that was a good lesson in what this job is about. The folks I've spoken to about being a Reviewer all seem to agree that we have kind of a split-personality role: first, making sure the programs are in line with overall current policy (which right now, means budget cuts and more budget cuts...which the programs usually don't like) and second, being a staunch advocate for the program, arguing on their behalf to ensure they have the resources they need to meet program requirements. So, regardless of what my own personal feelings may be about a leadership decision, I can only communicate and stand by that down to the program level. The advocacy part comes in, I think (not so sure about this part yet) when putting together communications received by the senior leadership (briefing books, budget recommendations -- in the form of RPs (resource proposals), stuff like that).

Just for the record, I'm not sure if *any* of this is an accurate reflection of my new world of work. It's all still so new to me. I think my biggest accomplishment of the week was to find the easiest, most direct way to get from my car to my cubicle. It reminds me of my first week on BOUTWELL, where getting from my stateroom to the wardroom took me on a different route every time I attempted it. This, though, this isn't like trying to drink from your normal fire hose...it's more like trying to drink from Niagara Falls.

What It Takes

In all my maundering to my friends about the stress of starting a new job, I've had a few conversations recently about what it takes to be successful. Well, to be a rockstar, actually, since that seems to be the preferred parlance of our service. And I'm not saying I have any intentions of being a rockstar...I'd really rather just be able to walk out at the end of the day with a sense of having made my best effort. And hopefully that's enough that I don't make a complete muck up of my responsibilities.

So what does it take to not make a complete muck up of what I'm doing? One good friend for whom I have complete respect (and is definitely a ROCKSTAR!! of the highest order...*waaay* beyond my league) said that it's a matter of momentum. You get one job that you do well at, so you're given the next bit of responsibility, and you do well at that one and you get another good job and...future success snowballs from past success. I think her exact words at one point were, "Anybody could do these jobs."

Huh, there's a bit of a reality-checking ego bomber. And I think the snowball effect  has more to do with the scope of success over a career, rather than at any one job. I may need to get her to explain her thoughts on the "anybody could do these jobs" statement as it relates to a particular position. Because, I'm not sure I agree with her. She seems to have been born with the political savvy to easily spot the shoal waters of our hierarchical organization and how to navigate around them. Me, not so much.

Tangential aside: Thank god she's my friend and has been so generous with her advice! Though, really?! do I have to wait a whole month before I take in my stability ball to use as my office chair? I mean I can understand waiting a coupla-three months before dropping the f-bomb in front of the CAPT (hopefully this never happens, but a) this is *me* we're talking about and b) my desk is like, 15 feet from his office door, so chances are good that it will eventually occur), but are they really gonna care what I sit on? Tee hee.

Anyway, back to business...

Another good friend, who is also a rockstar in his field, said that it's all about putting in the time and effort. He doesn't feel like he's anything particularly special when it comes to what he does, capability-wise, but he puts in nearly 12-hour days because he enjoys what he's doing and well, doesn't have anything better to do, since his kids aren't close by. So he gets a lot done, and is the go-to-guy in his office.

It actually sounds to me like there's two things contributing to his success: the time he puts in *and* the enthusiasm he has for what he's doing.

This is where I took a break from writing this post and went off to clean the house. As I was on my hands and knees, scrubbing the tub, it occurred to me that I missed a potential critical aspect of this whole discussion. What do I mean by "success?" Or at least, what do I mean by "not failure?" Is it when someone else tells me I've done a good job, or thinks I'm good at what I do, or respects me for my capabilities?

I really hope not, because I've been trying hard lately to not give a rat's ass what other people think. It may stem from yoga classes - trying to focus on myself as I am that day, in that posture, in that moment, and not comparing how I'm doing to how I did the time before or to anyone else in the class. But, ya know what...not caring what other people think is damn hard. Contrary Goddess (I love her wisdom! And though I've never met her in person, I think of her as a wonderfully grounded mentor. There have been many times when she has said *exactly* what I need to hear.) got me thinking about this a while back in her post, which is not really about what other people think, but is about a lack of self-doubt.

People who need assurance, who are always in need of support, their egos are out of control and controlling them.  But people who can stand whether it be in the calm or in the storm, well, the only way it is possible to do that is to be ego-less... Non-attachment is ego-less-ness; it is the hand opening and not grasping, not controlling, not blaming.  There is nothing that makes you happy or unhappy outside of you.

For all my life, I've been in the former category, but see the tremendous value in tending towards the later, if for no other reason than my own sanity. However, in my profession, if I'm going to try to be ego-less, I need to examine whether my values of what it means to do a good job align with what my organization values. Because if not, I will always, *always* be fighting a depressing battle, with the very real possibility of losing myself in the melee.

I value: the ability to see and appreciate the importance of multiple sides of the same story (compassion, empathy, respect?), passion (dedication?), curiosity (intelligence?), communications (thoughtful analysis?) and my own special brand of integrity (making your best effort, willingness to accept consequences, being (at the *very* least) honest with yourself?). My organization values: honor, respect and devotion to duty...or at least those are the core values. I suspect their  actual application can be interpreted differently, depending on who is doing the evaluation. But close enough. I think there's enough common ground that I'm not doomed to continual strife over misaligned values... though the devil always *is* in the details.

Funny how this post started out as one thing, but became about something quite different, but way more important to me. Screw "what it takes." I'm much better off spending my time, energy, effort living up to my own values.

The Final Countdown

I start work on Monday. My family and friends are sick of hearing me worry and fret and stress and ponder and otherwise over-analyze this new adventure. Or maybe it's that I'm sick of hearing myself do all those things. Six weeks of leave might have been too much time off, though I have to admit I've gotten *a lot* done.

So here's a little of what I've been doing before I go on whining about Monday.

--My kitchen is finally, well, not done, but a lot closer. It still needs to be painted. And cabinet handles and drawer knobs put on. But, BUT, there are no more gaping, floor to ceiling holes in the wall and the ceiling is not dropping little bits of plaster into my food and dishes anymore. It looks *amazing!* So for paint, I'm thinking a nice jewel-tone blue-violet? I might try green to match the curtains, but somehow that doesn't feel right. And, these pictures really don't do it justice.

--The windows in the house are (almost) all refurbished. Now they (almost) all have storm windows and screens and all the weights work so the windows stay up by themselves. I say almost because the guys weren't able to finish the last two in the master bedroom. They've got to come back. Drat!

--The crawl space waterproofing crew is scheduled to come out later in the month, after the termite treatment is done. Josh, from My Organic Garden, is coming out for an assessment next weekend. I'm hoping he'll sign on to help me with the garden this summer, figuring I'm not going to have an abundance of time to do it myself...never mind that I've got something of a brown thumb.

--And hopefully by the end of the day, the house will be clean, too. I'm waiting until the weatherproofing crew is done with some left over punch list items before I start on cleanups. Or is that just my excuse to be lazy and sit on the couch for a little longer? Kinda hard to tell.

---I went into Headquarters and took care of some initial admin stuff: getting my ID badge and parking pass, and getting my computer account transfer started. Hopefully that will make things go a little more smoothly on Monday.

And so I find myself back to talking about Monday. Anticipation is a bitch sometimes. I mean, sometimes it's fun...like looking forward to a first date with a cool guy or getting on an airplane to Hawaii for a month or breakfast after the 4-8s. Those are all nice anticipations. This one, however, has slightly more trepidation mixed in. 

I'm nervous. There, I said it, out loud, to god knows who. All of my friends I've said it to have been very kind and reassuring, that I'll do fine, that I'll settle in and end up kicking ass. Sure, that's how I'm hoping it comes out. But the not knowing what it's going to be like leaves so much room for my imagination to dream up all *kinds* of ways that I'm going to screw up...uniform malfunctions, etiquette and honors blunders, communication missteps, judgment errors (probably the scariest of all), social awkwardness, protocol ignorance, lack of basic knowledge...or even lack of the right knowledge at the right time...god, the list is endless.

I think I've finally convinced myself of my basic philosophy of treating everyone with respect, not being blinded and intimidated by a profusion of gold bands or bars and not passing personal judgment in a professional setting. I was going to add, "thinking before I speak," but I know that's probably (definitely) my stretch goal. It's something to strive for though, for certain :)

So that's what I'll spend my weekend pondering...trying to set those guidelines firmly in my head. And not tweaking too badly on all the rest.

GO GIANTS! But only because I don't want the Pats to win. I actually am still holding a grudge against Eli Manning for dissing San Diego in the draft. But anyone's better than seeing New England as the champions (see Frank...I'm overly predictable too).