Next Step in Retirement Planning, COCON Realizations, and a Spectrum of Approaches to Risk

7 Mar 2021

This session I was supposed to write about my retirement to-do list, how I wanted to approach it. Makes me want to poke myself in the eye because it would suck less. Just, blech. I think my reaction is partly because I'm slightly overwhelmed by all of everything I need and want to do. Like right now, I really want to post to Facebook a "Save the Date" notice for my Change of Command because that's a small concrete task that I could knock out pretty easily, but first I really should wait for confirmation of the date/time from Area, and then figure out if I want to have my party/celebration the same day as the COC and retirement ceremonies, but first I really should talk to my sister, who is likely traveling the furthest to hopefully attend...and each little task hydras into about four other things I should do first, and my heart starts to pound a little harder and my head hurts. And with that particular task (posting a Save the Date to FB) will likely spawn into lots and lots of comments from friends and family that I will really want to savor and respond to with thoughtfulness...and I'm not sure I'm ready to make that time commitment yet either. I'm punting a lot of this stuff to our ROM that starts in a week.

My other quandary is a little embarrassingly pedantic. I've already admitted my penchant for writing Important Things in rando places I can't find them later. I also have about five different journals going simultaneously -- even one dedicated specifically to retirement planning. So yes -- I've just decided that notebook is where I will write down my to-do/action item lists for each of my goals. Maybe this way I'll even finish up using the whole journal specifically on retirement. Wouldn't that be a personal gold star for me! :)

And with that subject addressed, I'll go on with other fun (to me) things. 

This past week was the Area Major Cutter Commanding Officers Conference (COCON). It was virtual, which in some ways was great (I participated from an "offsite work location," i.e., down in Wilmington, NC so I could close on my new property, and we got some guests in that likely wouldn't have been able to participate if they had to travel to New London) and in some ways was just not very satisfying (six hours a day in front of the screen, frequent mic checks by new speakers, all the lost sidebar conversations and camaraderie that were the best part of the previous COCONs I went to). 

One point finally did sink in for me at some point during the week...this past year in command during COVID was...something. I don't know if it was all the three- and four-star (well, except VCG) Admirals and lots of other members in senior leadership acknowledging the sacrifices being make by major cutter crews, or if it was the sense of awe and tangible respect I saw in the eyes of a couple of Prospective Commanding Officers (PCOs) when they heard us talking about how sitting COs made it through the year. I mean, I've read the thanks in every message and email senior leadership has sent out, and it's been said at each of the couple of engagements they've had, but somehow those all just felt like platitudes -- something they had to say at the beginning and end of each communique -- the gratitude sandwich that contains the actual message they wanted to get across, whether it was a policy change or update on something. Maybe it was the consistent reinforcement throughout the week, and the genuineness with which many of them spoke that caused me to finally believe it was heart-felt.

Maybe it's the realization that other people saw how much this year has sucked on a major cutter that made me sit up a little straighter and be a little more proud that I've seen it through so far...maybe not with all the grace and brilliance I would have wanted being the perfectionist that I am, but I did get us through some pretty shitty times. It'll take me a while to unpack all my experiences from this year, and more broadly this tour, but I'm grateful for the opportunity COCON gave me to see it from another perspective.

And for some reason this past week, I started thinking about a risk engagement spectrum. People engage with risk along this spectrum -- from risk seeking at one end to risk rejection at the other end. The named levels I identified are:

-- risk seeking
-- risk accepting

-- risk tolerant

-- risk avoidant

-- risk rejecting

The whole thought experience started when I was thinking about my real estate purchasing adventures, from the very first house I bought (putting an offer in on a house in Waialua, HI without having seen the inside of it because if I waited to see it, someone else would have it under contract because that's how hot the market was then -- sound familiar, anyone?) to the property I just closed on (again, putting an offer in before having seen it because I knew it was great deal, and someone else would have snapped it up if I didn't). I was trying to label that, thinking at first I was demonstrating risk tolerance. But that didn't seem quite right -- tolerance implies a resistance to something...I tolerate cleaning the cats' litter box because it's a requisite part of owning indoor cats, but I'd sure rather someone else did it for me. 

So I went through my mental thesaurus to see if there was a better word for recognizing the risk of making a major purchase without all the desired information and moving ahead regardless, and came up with risk acceptance. I accept that there is risk to how I approach my real estate purchases, and move ahead anyway with out all the resistance implied by risk "tolerance." 

I like where I am on the risk spectrum, tending towards less resistant end. I acknowledge that some of what I do is even risk seeking -- motorcycle riding and this crazy idea for a standup paddle board trip down the Intercoastal Waterway I'm planning for July to September are two examples that come readily to mind in my personal life. For me I've found that my life is sweeter and more fulfilling on this end. And I respect other people's right to live where they want on the risk spectrum, as long as their risk aversions don't impede my choices. 

Action Steps

21 March 2021

I took a couple of weeks away from writing about my retirement planning. Some was for work, some was for fun...and it was time away from writing about it, because heaven knows, I still spend plenty!! of time thinking about it. Today, I'm sitting down to write some action steps for each of my goals in each of my buckets. 

And what I'm finding is that it's not time yet for Action Steps. I already have plans in place, or things in motion to make things happen -- and there are definitely actions that I can take to move those things along (buy gear for the SUP trip; make a decision about building a new passive solar house at Pond Place, set up calendar reminders for Important Adulting Tasks). There are also many things it's simply not time for yet, like learning to surf (just BBBRRRRRR right now!), finding meaningful projects to work on, or take classes. Maybe this is where I can make determinations about "now" and "later" on particular goals. Because some days, when I get too far into thinking about how much there is that I want to do, I get overwhelmed, and don't do what I could be doing now. 

One of my Home Goals is to "adapt my forever home to my needs and wants." And I just get stuck on that -- there is just so much to do with the property. Bite sized bits, C...bite sized bits. After talking to a couple contractors, and realizing that it may not be worth it to try to save the old house (as much as my heart aches to), we've been looking at Deltec Homes, the Ridgeline F particularly. There are so many reasons I like it: passive solar, ready to be net-zero with the installation of solar panels, the company is a B Corp based in North Carolina, the pond is on the south side of the property so all the big windows will face the pond, we can customize the design. There are also so many reasons I'm terrified of it: it'll probably cost $350k+ to build (which seems like a lot of money for some reason even though I've spent more on that on other houses that weren't custom designed), there's a lot that goes into building a house that I am completely clueless about (it's interesting to me that my reaction to doing something I've never done before is so timid), what if we can't find a good builder or a good builder that can work on our timeline. 

And so my very first action step for this Home Goal is, "Acknowledge I want to build a Deltec Home." Because that's where I feel like it all starts. Right now I'm in that pre-decisional space that I find so uncomfortable, and my mental hamster is sprinting along on her wheel getting nowhere but exhausted...where all the what ifs grow to be unclimbable mountains and spawn monsters with glowing eyes and poison-dripping teeth. I definitely get overloaded with too many choices, so being able to narrow down to choosing a particular home design helps...and I have to refer back to the "bite-sized bits" reminder when I start thinking about all the choices that will come up when I do decide to go with Deltec. 

Back to deciding "now" or "later" for my goals...

What is Ending -- Step 3

21 Feb 2021

"You can’t do something new until you have let go of what you are currently doing." 

That's the most powerful statement to me from William Bridges Associates' (WBA) article The Three Questions. The article goes on to talk about how even "good" changes start from a place of losing what has been, what is familiar, and how not acknowledging this loss can delay the transition. Taking the time to articulate and understand that loss builds trust, allows issues to come to light, and can help with identifying tools to manage through the transition. 

There are two questions that come before this one, though. The questions WBA offer are:

• What is changing?
• What will be different because of the change?
• Who's going to lose what?

Seems I love me some bulletized lists.

What is changing? 

"The planners know only that there needs to be change in response to some threatening presence or some great opportunity “out there...” But until that vagueness can be clarified and until the leaders of the change can explain it clearly, in a statement lasting no longer than one minute, there is no way that they are going to be able to get other people to buy into the change...And be sure that the statement ties the change to whatever situation it is that makes the change important."

After 22 years of active duty service, I am retiring to pursue unidentified and varied opportunities in the civilian world. These opportunities will allow me to grow personally in new ways, give me a deep sense of being rooted in a place, and enable me to cultivate my community intentionally. 

What will be different because of the change?

"A change may seem very important and very real to the leader, but to the people who have to make it work it seems quite abstract and vague until actual differences that it will make begin to become clear."

I will be responsible for my own decisions. There won't be a detailer or an operational commander to blame when my schedule goes haywire or I don't end up liking what I've chosen to do with my time. I am geographically moving after a summer of travel, and there are a ton of unknowns associated with that upheaval (will I be able to feed myself and have safe places to sleep on my SUP trip, where will we stay for MerleFest, will I be physically able to hike the Inca Trail given the intense elevation, how long will the renovations on the Pond Place house take, how much will they cost, do we want to immediately or even simultaneously build a second house on the property, when can we get chickens and ducks, what kind of fence should we put up as a barrier to the Very Busy Road...).

I will be responsible for *only* my own decisions. I won't have the weight of other peoples' safety, sense of personal and professional fulfillment, or consequences of their personal choices hanging over me. No more phone calls or texts at all hours with imperfect and incomplete information that I'm expected by my bosses, my organization, the American public to make good decisions about and take appropriate and timely action on. 

I may not feel the external, enterprise-driven pressure to keep performing at a higher and higher level, always taking on more responsibility (but then again, knowing me, I may...). There are no longer any OERs against which to judge my efforts since I've already submitted my continuity OER(!!). For now, and until my Change of Command, I still exist under the considerable threat of a relief for cause if I screw up. It shouldn't be any other way, *and* I'll be glad when that sword of Damocles is lifted from over my head.

I will have more time to thoroughly pursue my own interests. No more pressure to feel like I should be doing more for the crew and ship. No more feeling vaguely guilty at taking 20 minutes to stretch in the morning before work. No more feeling like I don't have the time to dive into something because I'll be leaving in a month to get underway for patrol or leaving the local area on PCS, and what's the point about starting something that I'll just have to put down too soon anyway. 

Who is going to lose what?

"For it is by asking that question, that you open the door to the transitions that people will have to make if the change is to work. It is that question that helps them to let go of the old way, so that the new way can be established and work."

I thought my answer was just going to be about what I stand to lose. I tear up when I realize it is not.

I will lose:

-- more than half the pay I've gotten accustomed to spending and saving over the last few years. Good-bye, BAH and sea pay...

-- a sense of purpose that gets me out of the house and into a more social setting on a regular and expected basis

-- relevancy to my adopted afloat community; as soon as I say, "I stand relieved" my relevant experience is outdated and obsolete (though not as grossly obsolete as the 1MC system on most CG ships...)

-- immediate and regular access to people younger than I am, from an amazing and inspiring array of backgrounds and upbringings, with all their energy and enthusiasm, interests and ways of thinking

-- a familiar way of navigating the military benefits system. Hello, VA. Just, ugh...

-- the shock factor they experience and significant amount of humble pride I feel when I tell people I am Commanding Officer of a 210-foot Coast Guard ship, with a crew of 80 sailors, conducting law enforcement, national defense and humanitarian missions throughout the Atlantic Ocean; I mean, seriously -- mic drop

-- the satisfaction of coming up with creative and holistically sound (no "easy buttons" here!) paths through perniciously tricky operational, personnel, and administrative challenges

-- unfettered access to the deep blue sea, all her mysteries, monsters, beauties, and breathtaking changeability; the sense of possibility that comes of looking out at the far horizon; the blanket of stars and the company of the Milky Way and the moon; the risk-mitigated adventure of sailing out through the last set of gated pairs, past the sea buoy into the unknown and unexpected

The Coast Guard is losing me,:

-- a driven, caring, experienced leader who is thoughtful, self-aware, empathetic, and a good communicator

-- a change agent who is willing to speak out and share my experiences when I feel they will offer a perspective different from the prevailing majority in pursuit of long term organizational benefit

-- a damn fine shipdriver and operator

-- a female senior officer in the afloat community...we're sadly very rare. By my records, CDR Anne O'Connell will be only the 20th woman to take major cutter command this summer; it has been over 25 years since then CDR Beverly Kelley took command of her WMEC -- a piss poor record given the CG's stated commitment to diversity...

I thought about adding what my shipmates will lose; however, I will still always be available to my shipmates as a sounding board, celebrator of successes, commiserator of stumbles, and sea-story teller and listener. Just the means of access will change.

I feel like there are more things to be added to what will be different and who will lose what. I should remind myself to do a reprisal on this post at the six-month-ish post-retirement mark. There -- reminder set for 2 Jan 2022.

In my next session, I will work on Step 2b: Identify at least one Action Item for each goal...though I think more realistically, it will be about setting up how I will do that or maybe what I am learning from the process, because grinding through making my "to do" list on the blog sounds like a sure way of getting people to stop reading it!

Step 2a, Part 2 -- it's not as boring as it sounds, I promise!

14 Feb 2021

I didn't write last weekend because I was down in Wilmington looking at the property I'm buying, now known as Pond Place (at least until we settle on a better, more knowledgeable name for it). It is everything I thought it would be and more. I'm in the throes of dreaming about it now that I have a better mental picture of it -- So Many Fun Things to ponder with it. I think I may have rotted my brain a little yesterday with looking at all the images of "small homes open concept eclectic farmhouse" designs. I was going to go with "boho" but apparently that means you have to have a swinging chair in the room...

Back to Step 2a, though. I made it through the first three buckets the last time I wrote, and my goal for this morning (or what's left of this Valentine's Day morning after making blueberry muffins for breakfast, bottling batch #10 and brewing batch #15 of kombucha) is to finish writing down my aspirations -- maybe not so much goals as Greg pointed out to me what I'm putting on paper aren't SMART goals -- for the remaining five buckets.

• Home 
• Employment
• Physical Health
• Hobbies/Interests/Life-long Learning
• Finances
• Self Care
• Relationships
• Travel

Hobbies/Interests/Life-long Learning: Stop learning, start dying. I have so much to say here, I'm going to come back to this one after I've cleared through the others.

Finances: As I said, I don't need a job; my pension will see me through daily expenses as long as I'm not overly extravagant. When I first started thinking about retiring this summer, one of the very first things I did was to put together a budget to see where I'd be. I've been using mint.com for the last 12 years or so to track my spending, so I had pretty good data on what my spending habits have been. I know they'll change somewhat, but I really don't expect them to be vastly different...maybe actually a little lower since I won't have the boom/bust cycle of preparing for (high spending) and going on patrol (low spending) and since the cost of living in Wilmington is maybe a little less than Norfolk. But there still will be some things to consider.

• Set up automatic tithing donations, either to my charitable donations account or directly to the organizations I chose to support. Sadly, I've fallen off with my giving these last couple of years, and I definitely want to get back to it. I remember when I was in Bahrain, I did some deep reflection on what my values were and how I wanted those reflected in my donations. I came up with four primary charities to support, and wrote them down...somewhere (*again!* with the rando spot for writing Important Things down!). If I remember correctly, the charities were Doctors Without Borders, Evidence Action, Propublica, and Berea College's (my alma mater) African American Opportunity Fund...though I feel like I'm missing one because I can't believe there's not an environmental cause in there too. So I guess I need to figure out what that will be also.
• Work on my Big Book of Everything. I started it one afternoon a couple of years ago and haven't touched it since. I want to keep adding to it, and make a calendar reminder to review it annually.
• Plan to review my spending habits/budget annually. Make a calendar reminder for this...but probably not on the same day as reviewing my Big Book of Everything because that is just **too much** grown-upedness for one day...in fact, those two events should probably be separated by six months!

Self care: Not quite sure how this one is really different from Physical Health, but I can make a good enough argument to leave it here. 

• Go on a silent retreat. I was scheduled to go on one here in April 2020, but then...COVID. I'll have time and flexibility to try again sometime in 2022.
• Incorporate a meditation/yoga space into Pond Place, maybe even as omg! a tree house!! A girl can dream :)
• Find a new massage therapist in Wilmington. My least favorite part about leaving Norfolk will be not being close enough to my massage therapist here for regular massages. Michael at Flow Massage and Bodywork is hands down (tee hee) the best MT I've ever been to. And he's become a good friend. I am hoping I can find someone in Wilmington who is close to his league. Won't stop me from making an appointment with him anytime I happen to be in Norfolk!
• Seek out live music. I haven't had nearly enough of that in my life lately -- definitely due partly to COVID, but also just work.

Relationships: I wasn't really sure what I intended by including this as a bucket. Thinking it through now, though, I sense that a ring analogy works well here. 

• For my inner ring of closest loved ones, I want to prioritize time with them. Doesn't necessarily have to be in person, though that would be wonderful. I want to remember birthdays and anniversaries, talk regularly, give presents, tell them I love them, and share experiences that make new memories.
• For my close friends and family, I want the same thing...and recognize that life gets busy and everything can't be a priority. I still want to remember birthdays, talk maybe less frequently but regularly, and be fully present when I'm with them.
• For my local community, I want to get to know my neighbors and people I see regularly, support them where I am able, and again be fully present when I'm with them.
• For my professional community, I want to stay in touch. I know I'm going to lose the regular everydayness of going to work and seeing colleagues, but I'd like to maintain those connections I've made over the last 21 years. I am going to selfishly keep my personal email on the community of cutter(wo)men email distribution list when I turn it over to the next caretaker. I would like to tap into the community of local CG retirees in the local area -- goodness knows there are plenty in Wilmington. 

Travel: Oh my, the possibilities are endless! And yet, I know I'll have to actively plan to go places because otherwise it would be oh so easy to just blissfully settle into my daily routine at home and never go beyond 25 miles of Pond Place. 

• Plan at least one big (multi-week, probably international) trip a year.
• Write down a bucket list of places I want to go. I know it's in my head, but writing down things helps me.
• I already have tentative plans for this summer -- action packed with all kinds of fun adventures. Paddle boarding the Intracoastal Waterway (ICW) from Norfolk as far south as I can go in about two months starting about two weeks after my Change of Command, then to MerleFest in the NC mountain foothills (I planned to go last year, and yep, COVID-cancelled), then a couple of weeks in Costa Rica with Greg showing me around his adopted home, then down to Peru with Greg for the hiking tour from Cusco to Machu Picchu and some time on the coast at Chicama, and then back to CR to help Greg make his move back to the States, and landing in ILM sometime before Thanksgiving. Yep, that'll keep me travel-satisfied for a little while!

Hobbies/Interests/Life-long Learning: Ok, back to this one. So Many Possibilities!! Especially since I still haven't tapped into my GI Bill, including the $5400 kicker which I vested in back in '99 when that was a thing.

• Write, write, write. I want to write. I want the freedom and the lack of pressure and the time to write. It might be this blog or it might be just a journal for me or it might be something else that I eventually even try to publish. But I want to write! I want it to be something I do regularly and can't imagine not doing.
• First round of classes I'm thinking about taking, with the possibility of various certifications: welding, massage therapy, permaculture design. Just for fun and because I can. Hmm, I see my privilege flaunting itself...
• Explore my entrepreneurial inclinations. I have a couple of hobby-to-business ideas rattling around in my head. Kombucha-brewing, granola-making, and upcycling old ODUs into bags are the top three. 
• Start a sourdough starter, try making sauerkraut, and get into bokashi composting. Explore the microbiome :)

Ok, so maybe there wasn't so much for that last one. But it feels good to get those things officially on the record.

** Step 3: Ready myself for the Ending by talking (writing) about what is ending -- there is *definitely* a blog post (at least one, maybe more) in this step.

In my next session, I will devote time to Step 3, with the intention of exploring what is ending. 

Steps 1 and 2a

31 Jan 2021

I looked and looked, and never did find the mission statement I drafted a while ago. Lost to the winds of life detritus, I guess. So this Sunday morning session, I'll write another one and then start on putting some goals in my buckets. 

When I couldn't find my original mission statement, I jotted down a few phrases that popped into my head about my values and how I want to live my life. As I wrote them down, they are: limit my ecological footprint, be compassionate toward others, mindfully and authentically, connection to place, grow and nurture my community. Seems like now it's just a matter of stringing them together with good grammar. 

"With mindfulness, authenticity, and lots of laughter, I will grow and nurture my community by helping others achieve their personal and professional goals and building my own strong connection to place. I will limit my ecological footprint and be compassionate toward myself and others."

I may continue tinkering with it. It's Very Serious right now. 

Step 1: Satisfied (for now)

On with Step 2a. I used the following identifiers for my buckets so I could start to untangle and make sense of my goals in retirement. Now that it's time to start actually verbalizing those goals, I realize that I haven't really determined the timeline for these goals. Are they short-term (maybe 6 months to a year after retirement), medium term (one to five years), or long term (more than five years)? Maybe that will be more obvious once I get them written out.

• Home
• Employment
• Physical Health
• Hobbies/Interests/Life-long Learning
• Finances
• Self Care
• Relationships
• Travel

Home -- this is so much about my connection with place. I've moved 15 times in the last 21 years, twice overseas. The longest I've spent in one house is four years, and during those four years, I made significant long-term improvements on my house and planted berries in my yard. For the last two and a half years, I've lived in apartments with negligible outdoor space. I want to know how the sun moves through the trees over the course of a year. I want to feed myself from my yard. I want to get to know my neighbors. I want to be an integrated part of the natural cycles of the land around me, instead of some loud-mouth know-it-all who dominates all the conversations in the room.

• Find my forever home: that place I want to call home for the next however-many decades I have left on this planet. And OMG!!! I made an offer, and it was accepted within hours on 1.57 acres on a high spot with water-access to Masonboro Sound (ivo Wilmington, NC) and a decrepit old house, beautiful ancient live oak and magnolia trees, and a pond! Oh, there's plenny work to be done on it, for certain...which leads me to my next goal. I close in less than 30 days! SO EXCITED! I go down to see it next weekend (um, so, yes, I bought it sight-unseen...what can I say? It's worked out well for me in the past...).
• Adapt my forever home to my needs and wants: I made a list (duh, obviously I made a list) of the things that I'd like my forever home to have, including a small, low impact house for Greg and me, maybe a second house for extended family, a tiny home just for fun and maybe to rent out AirBnB-style, a kombucha-brewing granola-baking commercial-certified kitchen, a workshop for upcycling projects, a fire pit, a screened porch, and a studio for yoga/meditation/writing/whatever. I mean -- 1.57 acres -- I'm pretty sure it will all fit, with some combination of a tree house, conex building(s), Allwood kit, and maybe onsite-harvested wood. And then the grounds -- a permaculture garden with annual and perennial fruits and vegetables, berry brambles and bushes, fruit trees, and if I get **really** creative, espaliered avocado and lime trees up against a south facing wall to see if I can baby them through the winter. And then there's the pond...I want to learn about the area's hydrology and fresh-water aquatic flora and fauna. Maybe a little fishing spot...?? Oh, and chickens...can't forget the chickens (maaaaybeeee camels...I have planted a seed of possibility with a neighbor...).
• Starting in 2022, host an annual gathering full of family and friends so we can share this beautiful, bountiful peaceful place with others. Make it a tradition that we look forward to with contributing traditions and rituals that feed our bodies and souls.

Employment -- by way of some damn good luck and my mostly frugal ways, I don't need an extra paycheck after I leave active duty. What I get paid in my pension just for waking up in the morning will cover my basic living expenses. I even have enough saved to cover a lot (but definitely not all! It's a long list!) of the "improvements" to our new place. So I'm kinda ambivalent about this employment thing. But then I start thinking about all the leadership skills and management abilities I gained after 22 years in a challenging operational environment, and I feel, not obligated necessarily, but some draw to use those skills to help other people. 

• Work on meaningful projects, things that resonate with me and support my mission statement, like food security, environmental sustainability and justice, individual empowerment, mindfulness, justice system reform.
• Be clear with myself and other that my time and skills are valuable. That may still mean a lot of volunteering, or doing work for less pay than my efforts may be worth based on who is asking and what their situation and ask is. 

Physical Health -- This one is a tough acknowledgement for me because I still think I can do whatever I want physically. Sad truth is, though, that I've put on about 15 pounds since I got to Norfolk, and my current lifestyle does not support my long term health and quality of life. I have long periods of being sedentary. My stress level is high, even for me. I eat well, mostly, when I'm at home, but definitely make the most of having cooks making four meals a day underway. 

• Incorporate more physical activity into my regular routine. Working out for the sake of working out doesn't appeal to me. Riding my bike to the grocery story, paddleboarding over to Masonboro Island, clearing brush and hauling wood -- those are all my kind of calorie burners! 
• Learn to surf! Greg has already offered me lessons :)
• Work on my sugar addiction. I've been not drinking alcohol (except the trace amounts that may be in my kombucha) for nearly six months now, and don't really miss it. I definitely don't have the same success with sugar. I wish I wasn't looking forward to seasonal jelly bean displays here in the next few weeks...

Ok, that's enough for today. I went a little over my allotted hour, but also took a break midway to fold napkins out of the dryer so they'd have a chance at laying flat. 

** Step 3: Ready myself for the Ending by talking (writing) about what is ending -- there is *definitely* a blog post (at least one, maybe more) in this step.

In my next session, I will devote time to Step 2a, with the intention of getting goals down for the rest of my buckets.

Prepping to Start Planning

24 January 2021

I have about six months left with daily responsibilities in the Coast Guard, assuming that VIGOROUS' Change of Command happens in late June/early July as expected. I'm starting to feel like that's close enough to take definitive planning steps -- which, every time I stop to think about what that means, really overwhelms me.

My goal today is to give myself a framework to try to untangle all the threads that are currently swirling around, knotting up my brain. 

I feel like I need to start with my overall goal, or my mission statement. What is important to me as a fundamental guide to who I am and how I want to live my life? I'm fairly sure I've written one down sometime in the last few years, but I'm horrible about picking up whatever random piece of paper or notebook or journal is closest to hand to get the noisiest thoughts out of my head as quickly as possible. I will look for it -- later. Right now, understanding that I want to have my mission statement as my basis of this framework is enough. 

** Step 1: Define (find) my mission statement

One of my mentors recommended actually writing down my top 3-5 goals for a bunch of different buckets, which seems so brilliantly obvious. I have all these different threads rattling around in my head, always crashing into each other. Bucketing them up will help sort them out and reduce the cacophony and chaos. And for many of them, they aren't goals, just random ideas or possibilities that I haven't thought through enough to know if they're goals I want to pursue. Maybe they're just ideas I want to learn more about. I'm actually going to take the time to do that now. Doesn't require me to get up from my chair or step away from my coffee.

** Step 2: Identify my buckets

• Home
• Employment
• Physical Health
• Hobbies/Interests/Life-long Learning
• Finances
• Self Care
• Relationships
• Travel

After listening to me talk about why I thought it was a good time to start working with her again on a regular basis, my coach recommended I look through William Bridges' work on change and transition. His six videos (each less than 5 minutes long) talk about the difference between change and transition, and break down the transition process into three distinct phases. He says change is the distinct and external even that causes us to go through transition (my retiring from active duty), while transition is the process of going through that change (understanding and adapting to what not having that daily responsibility will change how I live my life and think about myself -- what it means to me). Transitions have three phases: the Ending, the Neutral Zone, and New Beginnings. He mostly talks in reference to businesses going through transitions (mergers, acquisitions, etc), but squinting at it a little and cocking my head to the side, I can see how it also applies to this personal situation.

** Step 3: Ready myself for the Ending by talking (writing) about what is ending -- there is *definitely* a blog post (at least one, maybe more) in this step.

Step 4: I think this is a natural pairing with Step 2...maybe 2a, because the Neutral Zone is the temporary phase when new processes and structures are put in place to facilitate the transformation. I won't really be in the Neutral Zone until after Change of Command, when I'm still on active duty, but doing the terminal leave and admin time thing. In the meantime, though, here's my actual step 2a:

** Step 2a: Write down my top 3-5 goals for each bucket identified in Step 2. 

I'm not really going to go into the New Beginnings part here...though as a teaser, Dr Bridges says new energy and commitment take place when the transition is over, not when the change takes place.

** Step 2b: Identify at least one Action Item for each goal. 

I'm clearly channeling the reading I've done on Bullet Journaling and Get Things Done by David Allen in this one...but have seen the value of applying well defined and achievable actions against a goal. 

**Step 4 (for realsies): Commit time to these efforts. Because without scheduling the time for them, they're just good ideas. There -- added to my calendar, one hour every Sunday from 10 am to 11 am, for me to sit down and play with my retirement plans. 

I feel like something is missing here. Not sure exactly where it fits in. But it has to do with some physical acknowledgement of what is happening. Maybe it's Step 3a -- planning my retirement ceremony/party/celebration, and then Step 3b -- planning a celebration or acknowledgement of sorts on 1 October 2021, which is the first day of my actual retirement when I'm no longer on active duty. I've been thinking about what Step 3a looks like for months now -- again, just rattling things around in my head. Time to get them outta my head and into words...but it's really hard with not knowing what's going to happen with the pandemic in six months. Maybe think through a couple different scenarios: best case we can all get together because there aren't any more restrictions on gatherings and worst case we're still limited to gatherings of 25 people. 

** Step 3a1: Put into words what I want my retirement ceremony to look like. And then talk to the Project Officer so he's not stumbling around in the dark, looking for the right rock.

** Step 3a2: Put into words what I want my retirement celebration to look like under best case and worst case COVID scenarios.

** Step 3b: Put into words how I want to celebrate my first day of actual retirement.

** Step 3c: Put action items to each of the scenarios in steps 3a and 3b. 

Well, they're a little outta order as I wrote them. That's okay, though. Now I have a good sense of where to start. 

One last little detail to work out for my framework. How do I know what to do next, when I sit down each Sunday morning (or whenever else I decide to give it some time)? Maybe as I end each session, think about what the next session will start with. 

** Step 4a: "In my next session, I will devote time to..." 

In my next session, I will devote time to Step 2a, with the intention of getting goals down for at least half of my buckets.

The Next Chapter

written on 27 August 2020 

I decided last October (2019) that it was time for me to do something different. Looking back now, 10 months later, I realize I probably wasn't quite in the right head space after only a bare three months onboard a new ship with an entirely new leadership team trying simultaneously to rip off the bandaid of a new command vision and not completely disenfranchise the crew along the way. Every day was a slog of self-inflicted doubt and second guessing, uncertainty about how we were going to get through the next evolution safely, and oh yeah, day after endless day of shitty weather off the central Atlantic coast. 

Somewhere along that treacherous path, I realized there were quite a few mistakes in my past that I haven't yet forgiven myself for, and that I likely wouldn't be able to give important areas of my life that needed love and care the attention they deserved until I was no longer tied to active duty. I convinced myself I wasn't running away from things, but running towards a new vision for my life (I am still convinced that's true, 10 months down the road, even if I had many follow-on moments of doubt). 

We eventually returned home safely from that first patrol, all a little wiser about each other. Took me another three weeks to get on my boss' calendar to be able to tell him my intentions in person before my retirement request showed up in his email inbox. Seemed only fair. 

So now, I'm going to write about the road to retirement, and plan to publish it later. I want to honestly share my thoughts and feelings, without having to worry about what my crew thinks upon reading it. I don't need to share my doubts and worries in a forum that they need to wonder if my head is still enough in the game to do my job, which is to make sure they keep coming home safely, full of sea stories and successful operations. 

I also want a place to daydream about all the ideas I have for post-retirement ways to keep myself busy. I think the count so far is at least four viable concepts.